Home Alone

I am recently home from a week stay in the hospital.  I needed some adjustment on my medicine and I was pretty sick. After I got on the correct medicine I felt better and wanted to go home.

I looked like a completely different person from the one who checked into the hospital on the day I left. I was laughing and even joking a bit. I was glad to go home. My doctor said he wanted me to stay a bit longer but he knew I would follow up with my regular doctor so I was allowed to leave.

This is my fifth day home. Nothing has changed really on the outside. People still are who they are. I find I am having a difficult time dealing with some things. I can feel the sadness right behind my eyes, waiting to spill over. But I can also feel myself holding it back with all my skills I have learned. 

I am still lonely sometimes. People are at work or busy and don’t have time to talk with me. This is life, toots. 

I go back to my doctor today. Maybe he will tweak the meds. If not, I need to work on my coping skills even more than I have been. I need a thicker shield. Personally, I hope he can tweak the meds. 

Either way, life goes on. 

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CRIMSONOWL63

C is the first letter in all the names of my siblings, parents and me: Chuck, Chris, Curt, Charles, Colleen and Cheryl

Reading is one of my favorite ways to spend time.

It’s fun to try new things.

My new kitten, Harrison, sure makes me happy.

Seen some crazy things in my time.

Oh man, the cold weather is here to stay for awhile. 

Not a fan of Journey

Oy, I don’t like them.

Why did I mention them?

Let’s change the subject.

6 years ago many people said two thousand nine. Now many people say twenty fifteen. Two thousand fifteen sounds awkward to me.

times married is the charm. This time I have the right guy!

 

It’s a Wonderful Life

I’ve been watching It’s a Wonderful Life almost every day. It’s my favorite movie. I have seen it hundreds of times. During the holiday season I like to watch it every day if possible.

It’s been difficult getting through this time of year. Last year at this time I was just discharged from the hospital. This year is better.

I went shopping yesterday and got everything done! I will be wrapping gifts over the weekend and have them ready to ship out to my children who all live out of state and can’t make it in this year for a visit.

One of the reasons I mention It’s a Wonderful Life is that the movie makes me appreciate my children and my friends. If you haven’t seen this movie, George Bailey is in crisis. He thinks he is worth more dead than alive. An angel comes in answer to prayers by his friends and family. He has a chance to see what life would have been like if he had never been born. How small things in life have influenced more people than he realized. It all ends happily ever after.

Shopping for the few people I had to buy for, I realized that I am lucky to have children and family to buy for at all. That if I had not lived to see my current age (which I never thought I’d reach), my children would be different. I wouldn’t have met my husband and have had the last 16 years together.

I almost gave up yesterday and not finish my shopping. But I made it through. I am proud of that. It wasn’t easy. I am trying to make the holiday as stress free as possible. I have met the challenge so far and hope to continue.

I think I’ll go watch It’s a Wonderful Life again.

Here comes the sun

I often wonder how I am going to know I am well again. I am sure it doesn’t feel like this. Today I was listening to the Beatles’ Abbey Road album and a song clicked with me again. I suddenly remembered for a second what I used to feel like when I was well.

“Here Comes The Sun” made me think….when I get well this song will be true for how I feel and not just how I want to feel.

Here Comes the Sun
by George Harrison (1943-2001), performed by the Bealtes

Here comes the sun
do n do do
here comes the sun
and I say, It’s alright

little darling
it’s been a long cold lonely winter
little darling
it feels like years since it’s been here

Here comes the sun
do n do do
here comes the sun
and I say, it’s alright

little darling
the smiles returning to the faces
little darling
it seems like years since it’s been here

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun
and I say, It’s alright

sun sun sun here it comes
sun sun sun here it comes
sun sun sun here it comes
sun sun sun here it comes
sun sun sun here it comes

Little darling
I feel like ice is slowly melting
little darling
it seems like years since it’s been clear

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun
and I say, it’s alright

here comes the sun
here comes the sun

It’s alright
it’s alright

I want go feel “smiles returning to the faces” and that ” the ice is slowly melting”. I remember feeling like that, what seems like a long time ago. Listening to the song gave me hope since I at least remember feeling like this. When I feel it again I will know….I am getting better.

A Few Days Off

I needed a few days off after Thanksgiving. A few days off from doing everyone’s bidding, making all the decisions and doing all the planning.

Thanksgiving was supposed to be stress free. Dinner would be at my father’s house. My sister-in-law tells me weeks before the holiday that she will handle everything if I would just pick up her, my brother and their daughter.I hope every year that this will be true, but past years have shown me this is not how it will go.

She tells me she will call my father and make all the arrangements. She calls and makes sure it is okay for us to all come over. There will only be six of us including my father. He is thrilled we will all be coming over.

As Thanksgiving approaches I am asked to bring dessert and paper plates. That’s all, she promises, she will do the rest. The day before she calls and says she forgot about drinks, could I get those, too? Oh, wait, silverware and glasses? And chairs? And could she borrow a few bucks to buy the charcoal so they can smoke the turkey?

I run over the money. Two days to go. The night before Thanksgiving she calls and tells me she forgot to buy lighter fluid and didn’t know if she could find any at the store across the street (they don’t have a car); could I come over and pick up the turkey to cook it? I told her I was going to punch her in the face. She thought I was kidding. I didn’t want to have a turkeyless thanksgiving so I agreed to get the turkey if she couldn’t find fluid. I was out with my Beatles buddy seeing a band so I would have to go after to get the turkey. Thankfully, she was able to get fluid.

The next morning, Thanksgiving Day, she calls to see if I can drop something off she needs for the turkey, I run up to the store and over to her house. I go back home and have to go back to pick them up in two hours. Two hours later I pick them up and drop them off at my fathers. I go home and pick up my husband and all the things I am bringing; wine, pies, chairs, cranberry sauce, plates, silverware, pop and beer.

Every question is left up to me. When should we eat? Can we all fit at the table? Is my father’s oven working? And each time a question involves my father it is up to me to get the answer.

Another thankful moment was when my husband offered to go pick my brother up from work. I was supposed to go get him, but by this point was getting very frazzled. I still had to drive them all home. Everyone is drinking and having a good time while I am stressed to the limit.

My brother and sister-in-law leave my dad a bit of food and take all the rest of the leftovers.
On the drive home my sister-in-law tells me this was such a relaxing day. I almost scream. All I want is to go home and forget the whole day happened and be thankful it is over. When we get to their house they are shocked I don’t want to stay. I finally get to go home.

The next few days my husband was so thoughtful. He made dinner, cleaned up the kitchen and let me just sit. He made all the decisions and just let me relax. I napped. I watched Star Trek DS9 with him. No pressure. I just got to relax.

So, I took a few days off for me. No phone calls, no texts, only chatting briefly with my Beatles buddy. It was a nice few days and I am thankful for them.

Banjo therapy

I am learning to play the banjo. I got one after I got out of the hospital last year. I was hospitalized for 12 days for depression and anxiety. My husband got me a banjo to help in my recovery. I always wanted to play the banjo. I love banjo music.

I love my banjo. It helps me focus at a time when that isn’t always such an easy thing to accomplish. I put aside a little time every day to practice. I can’t play any songs. I am just learning to play a few chords and some rolls right now. Nothing fancy. It feels good to learn something new.

I remember when I was in treatment after leaving the hospital, how proud I was to get that banjo. It meant the future and wellness and hope. Depression is a sneaky bastard though. It was hard to maintain that feeling of confidence when I finished that part of treatment. Some of it is still there when I practice my banjo.

There isn’t a lot of sad banjo music and the sound of a banjo just makes me a little more upbeat. I hang on to that. Being home alone during the day with depression is no picnic. It takes effort to get through the day. I am glad I save just a little bit of that effort for my banjo therapy.