I was once very outgoing, fearless in social situations. I was always up for anything as long as it was fun and didn’t hurt anyone else or ruin their time. I was never at a loss for words and always up for a joke, even on myself.

Today I am more introverted and don’t like to socialized much. I like to stay at home and never seem to know what to say in social situations anymore. I get nervous around people I don’t know instead of being delighted to meet them.

I miss the old me and am working hard to get to a new place. I won’t be the same person after going through this year of deep depression. I have been depressed to one degree or another most of my life, but I am working to get out of the hole of sadness and anxiety so that I don’t return to such a disabled state.

I still have some of my friends from work, a workplace I loved and that I had to leave over a year ago due to my illness. I don’t see them often but keep in touch through facebook and sometimes meeting up. These friends might not understand all I am going through, but they don’t expect me to be the same. They understand I can only do so much now. I can’t be the social butterfly I used to be. So I turn them down for meet ups quite often, yet they still talk to me and are glad when we do meet up.

There are other friends and/or family who either think I should be just like before or that there has been enough time, in their opinion, for me to be better. They still say things like “cheer up” and “you’ll feel better if you just….”. They don’t understand the illness or what it can do to a person. They only know about the few days blues. These people still want me at their beck and call. Pick us up, come over more, why don’t you talk on the phone? It’s my own fault for doing everything I was asked before I got sick.

I have trouble standing up to them, but I do it more and more. I don’t like the way I feel when I just give in when I am not up to it. If I have something planned, I follow through most times. There is no saying I am not up to it with these friends. So, I make the effort and hope for the best.

I have another friend who is also suffering from the illness of depression. She understands how hard it is to even take a shower sometimes. The effort it takes not to nap every day. The anxiety of going somewhere on a bad day. I find I make more plans and follow through with those plans much more often with her than with my other friends. I don’t have to explain why I am tired, why I am having trouble getting moving and getting up to shower and dress. We help each other make the things we do more relaxing and fun. There is no pressure.

We both value our friends and often talk about why it is so difficult to connect with them than with each other. We just clicked as friends. But we aren’t clicking as well with others these days. I don’t want to monopolize my friend’s time. She sees and talks with others as do I.

I was once very outgoing and now am not so much. I am glad I have friends who accept me as I am and a friend who really understands. I work to reach a happy balance between who I was and who I am and hope my friends stick around for the ride. I know I have one who will for sure.

2 thoughts on “Friends

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