Time

The days this year have both flown by and dragged by at the same time. This time last year I was a basket case. I was struggling to survive. I don’t remember most of the holidays of 2011. I went into the hospital on December 1st. I was like a zombie. I didn’t really know what was going on. I just knew I couldn’t cope anymore. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t function anymore.

Most of this year was spent trying not to go back to that place. Each day can seem so long with this illness. Trying to get up the energy to fill the days, they still seem to drag, yet they fly by and it is November already. The relativity of time makes it both drag and fly at the same time.

Today I have to prepare for Thanksgiving. I have all day, which should be plenty of time. Yet I am on a deadline, so the day seems to go so quickly. Faster than I can keep up. It takes me so much longer to do things when I have to psych myself up to do them. It is harder to leave the house and I want to get back almost as soon as I leave.

I am going to do something fun tonight, but everything seems to stress me out some, even the fun things. Can I get everything done in time to be ready? Will I be able to relax tonight? Will I find clothes that fit? Will my husband be upset I am gone? All kinds of fears still run through my head. And time ticks on.

Most days are not like this. They drag by. Alone at home I do my household chores the best I can. I wait for my husband to get home. I play my banjo or write a blog or both. I try not to nap just to kill the time, but sometimes am just so nervous and tired I succumb to sleep. I feel guilty for napping.

Before I knew it 2012 is almost over. I made it through all this time and am better than I was last year. I am thankful for that. I don’t know where the time went. It all seems like a blur. One slow day at a time, yet flying by.

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